One year ago today I was being released from The Hospital For Special Surgery after having knee surgery. The week before, on my birthday, I had fallen down a small flight of stairs in the lobby of my kids apartment building and wasn’t able to walk as I had torn my patella tendon which is the tendon that connects your knee cap to your tibia.
I had just picked my mom up from the airport as she was moving back to NY! So excited by that. I was carrying her bags up to the kids apartment, two small bags that I had carried already and when the door man asked if he could help me I very quickly, without even thinking about it said No—I got it. So you can understand then why to this day I can still picture his face as I was falling no doubt thinking---oh sure—you got it
I sat on the floor of that lobby , with my mother and Jeffrey beside me - for about 2 hours before an ambulance came. My sweet mother—or so you all think—was like a mama bear protecting her cub and after about an hour calling 911 multiple times to find out what was taking so long—I assured here there were more pressing things going on in NYC than my knee injury - She finally got a dispatch who stayed on the phone with her until an ambulance arrived- not that they had a choice—she was not hanging up.
We then spent the next 10 hours at Bellevue hospital. I remember so clearly sitting in the Emergency Room and more specifically the sense of calm I felt. Now don’t get me wrong—there was a lot going on! I can distinctly remember a homeless woman on a stretcher, the scratches on her legs, what she was wearing and how she smelled. Another man that came in bleeding from his head and not able to remember why he was bleeding or what had happened. I’d never expected to see so many police officers in an emergency room. So in all of that—I never felt anxious and every person I encountered I asked how they were doing and I treated them with respect and care. I’m also sure having my mom there made a big difference but I truly felt this sense of calm and that God had me right where I needed to be.
Hind sight is 20-20 and as I look back now I know that was the start of a year that would require more calmness and more waiting. Also A year where I can without a doubt say that my walk with God got stronger and that today I am closer to God and more confident in my faith than I have ever been in my life. So how did I get here---
I waited…not always patiently…but I waited on God.
Like so many things—the scripture lays out a roadmap for us to follow to strengthen our relationship with God, manage through the tough times and celebrate the joy in our lives and both scriptures today are part of that road map.
The New testament reading is a promise the scripture makes to us that if we give our burdens to God, we will get rest. That’s what I felt in the Emergency Room at Bellvue—I knew that whatever was going to happen would be within Gods will. However, on the same day I fell, recall I said it was my Birthday—before I fell I was not turning things over to God. We are a big birthday family! We celebrate birthdays and on this birthday, I wasn’t feeling like celebrating. I was not in a good place at work and things with my marriage were not going well and i had been feeling this way for a few weeks and I was not consistently asking God for his help and guidance and I certainly was not reading scripture. I was in my head, telling myself all the things I wanted to be happening and being frustrated that they weren’t happening and I was keeping myself busy, busy, busy. That’s why I refer to the day I fell as my “Sitcho” moment with God. God said - Sit cho self down—you are doing too much. And that’s exactly what he did. He sat me down.
For a minute…….And then I wasn’t sitting down….i was right back into the busyness….
Within 48 hours of having surgery I was out at a dinner, in less than a week I was back at work—This was a major surgery, I was in a straight leg brace for 6 weeks not able to bend my knee, I was taking Tylenol multiple times a day to manage the pain but I was working--- I mean how could I not be working, my team was running very lean, it was a busy time of the year and even though I wasn’t in a great place work wise—the story I was telling myself was that I had to be at work—what would happen if I wasn’t there – the firm could not go on without me!!! (ok I was not that delusional ) But I was right back to being busy—I went to the WNBA Finals with Kimmi and my mom, organized the Trunk or Treat here at the church, working my usual 40+ hours a week and then……Sitcho…he sat me down again
It was November 7th, right about 6 weeks post surgery, I was feeling really good, did a workout in the morning with some weights and had been working steadily for about 4 hours—in the zone! I was working in my basement this particular day and went to go upstairs to get something to eat and got a extremely sharp pain in my side as I was walking up the stairs. I thought it would stop when I reached the top of the stairs but it didn’t and I could barely talk. I called my husband to see when he would be home and since he was over an hour away and I could barely put a sentence together he called an ambulance. Are you kidding—another ambulance. Twice in two months I’m in an ambulance, going to a hospital. Well let me tell you---I did not feel the same sense of calm I felt the first time. I was anxious and uncertain-I was alone- no mom with me this time. After about an hour or so I could talk and the pain had gotten better but it was still there. I felt very confident I would go home and the pain would pass. Well that was not the case—I could kind of understand spending one night in the hospital but when they told me I had to spend two nights in the hospital I was angry. I can remember that feeling very well also. They ran so many tests on me—and no definitive reason for this pain in my side. The only thing they did find—was a small mass in my lung. The doctor said something I should get checked out and then he came back before I was discharged to tell me again to make sure I got it looked at. It had nothing to do with the pain in my side—but I should get it looked at – soon. I did- and in January I was diagnosed with early stage lung cancer. Whew! Its still hard to say.
So…back to Matthew: the next part says-- 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in my heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Here Jesus is inviting us into a relationship with him—A yoke can be a symbol of the power of working together and that is what Jesus is inviting us to do. He is also telling us to learn from him for he is gentle and humble and by choosing to walk and learn from him we can find peace.
I am blessed to do a bible study with an Amazing group of women on Monday nights. Recently we talked about why when we are troubled about something we often go first to a friend or a family member to seek advice—how we often don’t first go to God. I think that was an aha moment for all of us and this scripture reinforces that God should be the first place we go with our troubles—not the last place—the first place.
Looking back to November when I had the mystery pain that surfaced the cancer—I was not trusting God, I was not seeking his care and comfort, I was doing all the things the roadmap tells us not to do.
My diagnosis was a reboot of the calm I had felt when I hurt my knee, it was a restart of reading the scripture and walking daily with God. This time I did not tell myself that I needed to keep working—I took the time I needed to heal – and consistently showing up, reading the scripture and making space to spend time with God every day.
The surgery went well, they caught it very early so that was a true blessing and I did not require any additional treatments which was again a blessing.
In the midst of everything I also found out that the group I was working in was getting restructured and when I returned to work I would have to make some decisions about what I wanted to do. There might be some different opportunities for me or I could choose to leave my company.
I forced my self not to think about this while I was recovering and just focus on my health. However, as the time got closer for me to return to work, I had to start thinking about it. I was doing a bible plan called Whisper when I came across the old testament reading today. This scripture is about Elijah and it couldn’t have come at a better time.
There is a lot going on around Elijah—there is wind and earthquakes and fire and then….a whisper. It’s a lot like many of our lives isn’t it…There’s so much going on-all the time—and sometimes busyness is something we wear as a badge of honor—I know for myself – it’s always been a challenge to make the time to be still, to make time to just be, and I will say that recovering from lung surgery I did a lot better—and I made time to be still and to give God space in my life. Shortly after doing the Whisper bible plan I was driving to the doctor for a follow up visit and instead of putting music on I decided I would just talk to God. It was a beautiful morning, I was on 17 and the sky was so bright and right then I felt God tell me , in the quiet of the morning, that whatever happened with work, what ever decisions I made, he would be in that decision and it would be the right decision. That was such a comforting feeling and really gave me the courage and confidence to know that if after 32 years it was now time for me to leave my job—everything would be ok—it would be more than ok. And if I hadn’t made that space and time to be with God that morning, I’m not sure I would have heard him.
Before I close I want to take you back to my birthday. Remember I said I didn’t feel like celebrating—work wasn’t good and things in my marriage weren’t great for me either. So through everything with my knee and lung surgery my husband was right there. Driving me to doctors appointments when I couldn’t drive (I was very happy when I was able to start driving again ) picking up medicine, sitting for hours with me being incoherent coming out of surgery—and still there were things that I wanted to be different, that I wanted to change and I realized this as I read back through my journals. I was asking God for guidance, but I was asking for what I wanted not what God wanted.
We celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary this year with a trip to Hawaii. And right before we took the trip we had a big argument—I can say it was an argument I started. I realized at the time I was forcing the issue. I was not practicing active, patient, waiting. Notice I said – Active, Patient Waiting.
Psalms 27:14 says, Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. Notice the word patient is in here twice. And in the patience, in the waiting we need to be proactively communicating and talking to God. The Scripture tells us in multiple places that its in the waiting that God will reveal what we need to do- and then we have to act. For example, Noah and the Ark—Joseph in prison and in the scripture today, Elijah waiting at the mouth of the cave.
It was right after that argument that I prayed with intention and purpose for God to guide me in my marriage. For me to stop forcing the issue, to love unconditionally and to stop trying to change my husband. We had an amazing trip to Hawaii, saw sunrises and sunsets and I learned new things about my husband that I hadn’t noticed before.
This weekend my family and friends have helped me celebrate an amazing career at EY and the start of a new chapter. In the midst of all the activity last night at dinner, I faintly remember my mother asking me if I had read Jesus Calling today. I had not but when I got home after dinner and was preparing for today I read the passage and I’d like to share it with you.
Jesus Calling – September 21st
Wait quietly in my presence while my thoughts form silently in the depts of your being. Do not try to rush this process, because hurry keeps your heart earthbound. I am the Creator of the entire universe, yet I choose to make my humble home in your heart. It is there where you know me most intimately; it is there where I speakto you in holy whispers. As my spirit to quiet your mind so that can hear My sill small voice within you. I am speaking to you continually: Words of Life…Peace>>Love. Tune your heart to receive these messages of abundant blessing. Lay your requests before e me and wait in expectation. I Kings 19:12; Psalms 5:3.
For anyone who may have a doubt that God is not working in our lives- this is a true example of where he is. The fact that this was the reading yesterday and how it aligned to my sermon today I feel is no coincidence.
So as we leave her today, think about any burden you may be carrying—no matter how big or small and turn that over to God and meet me in the waiting room as we wait actively and patiently for God to show us what to do next.
Author: Kelly Dolson